Monday, August 22, 2005

The weather is perfect today. I should be outside working in my garden. I did a little this morning: watering and killing weeds. The crabgrass is winning this round. Then, big mistake. I went on-line. I explain: I had a very bad bug in my laptop. Could not get rid of it. The laptop went to the computer hospital and the guys there could not get rid of it, either. The only thing to do, was to wipe the computer clean and re-install all the basic programs. I got a clean laptop back, but with missing programs. One of the things I did, was to go to McAfee home webpage to download the latest updates. There were over 360 of them!!!!! The update took hours and now the installation is taking additional hours. At least I don't have to have an on-line connection for it to install. UGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
How can people write virus programs just to cause chaos? This is beyond me.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Hi again. You heard the phrase, "it doesn't rain, but it pours?" That's how it's going from now on until the middle of September. and I don't have a child returning to school, either. I am preparing for my trip to San Francisco...leaving September 1st. My daughter, Beth, calls. They (family) will be driving down from Syracuse , arriving August 27 to stay until I leave for S.F. Her middle son, Robert, is visiting Yale. He is invited to apply for a scholarship at Yale. Robert is a straight A student. The family is very poor. Their house is falling down around them...just the type of student that the Ivy Ieagues are looking for. They have to make their government quotas, don't you know. Hurrah for Robert.
As for me, I have to clean the rooms they will be staying in. It has been so hot and humid that I've had no energy for cleaning. I have to hurry up, buy toothpaste, put fresh towels in the bathroom, stock the larder.....that sort of thing. Since they'll be here just before school starts, I offered to take them all shopping for school clothes. I'll worry about the bills next month.
Robert and his little brother, Donnie need school clothes. My daughter is returning to school to study for a certificate in medical technology, so she'll be in school at the same time her sons are in school. Daughter needs new clothes. My son-in-law, Don just finished up an associate degree in computer technology and will soon be leaving his old job to enter his new job. Wardrobe will change from jeans and tee shirts to suit and tie. I am happy to be able to help, because when my family is thriving, I am happy. When they're unhappy, mama is unhappy, too.
Beth and family "dog sit" my dog, Rascal when I travel. Poor Rascal. She must be so confused. I drove her to Syracuse to stay while I am away. Now Beth is driving her back (with her other 2 dogs in the car) for Robert's visit to Yale. Then both of us go off our separate ways...Beth back to Syracuse and me to the airport. How shall Rascal understand this slepping back and forth? In my imagination, Rascal is thinking she has done something wrong and is given back. How to explain to a dog that she has done nothing wrong? I miss my little doggie. Twenty pounds of personality.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

On September 1, I am flying out to San Francisco for a week's vacation with a girlfriend, Judy H. We're going first class, because that's how Judy likes to vacation. As for me, staying at a truck stop is OK. The fun is in exploring the city. Anyways, We are staying at a mansion converted to a hotel. We were in S.F. a few years ago. There is so much to see and do, We never got to go into a museum, so museums are the focus of this trip. Her mother lives in Napa Vally, so the second half of the trip will be in Napa, of course. I am bringing my bathing suit and plan to spend at least half a day in a hot tub...outdoors in the sunshine....soaking in a hot tub...making my skin wrinkle. ...while Judy visits with family.
Our first trip to S.F., We hired a private sight seeing van..."Day InNature"...the man took us into the redwood forests north of the city. It was wonderful!! He has another trip planned for us: visiting wineries...and We will do the wine train, too. This could be one big hangover trip if there are a lot of sulfates in the wines I expect to taste. Judy said to the van driver, that We want to visit a major winery in Napa Valley. He said that since our trip was over the Labor Day holiday, the place will be packed with tourists and We would not enjoy the experience. Instead, He is taking us to an out of the way winery. How wonderful.
I am retired, age 68...have the money for this expensive trip. As a widow, I am depressed because now that I have the time off and the money to spend, there is no one to share it with. Judy is the wife of my husband's good friend, Paul H. Paul and Judy have opened their hearts and home and accepted me as their friend. I would be sitting home at holidays, probably crying. They won't allow that. They insist I come to their house. So I do.
Judy loves to travel. Paul travels only occassionally. So Judy and I travel when Paul wants to stay home.
I have a calender on my desk that has pictures of beautiful tropical islands. During the winter, I would love to vacation at one of them. The romance of a tropical island vacation calls my name. Then I think, who shall I take with me? Go alone? I would see all that beauty and wish to say to a companion, "how beautiful it is here"...and there is no one to hear me. Then, my lonliness would come crushing down on me and I would be miserable surrounded by beauty.
Well, I shall put that thought aside...a problem to solve at a later date. For now, it is time to get out my suitcase and get ready for San Francisco. The first item that goes into the suitcase, is my bathing suit followed by rubber flip flops.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I just discovered Skype!. It is a program that allows international phone calls from my computer to another computer for free. All I have to do is to download the free program and plug in my headphones...which I purchased when I was playing around with DialPad. My daughter lives in Australia, so Skype is ideal. Then I learned I have to have Windows 2000 or newer to run this program. I am using windows 98. HMMMMMM Could there be a new computer in my future?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Good day, reader. I spent about half an hour writing an introduction to this blog. My internet server disconnected me and I lost it all...thought I had saved it as a draft but am unable to find it. It is floating in cyberspace, I presume.
I am a 68 year old female, widowed and at the stage in life where I ask myself if I've accomplished anything. There are expectations I had about this stage of life. Disappointed to experience that I am not where I had hoped to be.
Probably like you, I worked hard to meet the challenges that life put before me....and coped very well, but it was not satisfying. I learned that the people around me were not nuturing and uplifting. They all wanted something from me. That's fine. If it works two ways, but it did not.
Some days I am very angry. So, this blog is an outlet to disappointment and anger.
Why, I ask myself, do some people get an education, get a job in their field and stay at that job until they retire? I've had to train and train and re-train. It is not that I am bad at what I do for a living. On the contrary. I have won awards for excellence. It is just that husband gets transferred and I have to quit, or the government downsizes and my job goes, or the company disassembles the department and once again, my job goes.
Why do some people marry and stay with that spouse all their life? I've been widowed 3 times.
In retirement, it is time to enjoy the fire, a glass of wine, a pleasant conversation with one's spouse about family, about the world, about philosophy. I find myself looking at the wall, reading a book, or working in the garden....alone. My heart aches for a hug.
Now I'm really goes to whine. When I am in charge, it goes right along without a hitch. You're reading words written by a competent gardenbug. However, when it comes to relationships, it takes two people. At this challenge, I am a complete failure.
There are plenty of people in my community who have respect for me. They smile when I come into the room or office. My family loves me...even my sons-in-law. I am a supportive mother-in-law. But But But, where is that person who supplies intimacy?