My California friend and I were talking long distance. We are both struggling with co-dependency. Our respective families are mired in co-dependency. We are assigned roles to play in the family, for the sake of the family structure...but crippling to the person assigned the role. Nobody gets to be them self. Their feelings are dismissed as not important. When a co-dependent needs emotional nuturing, that's when the family crushes them. A perceived weakness is an opportunity for others to strike out against. Any one who speaks the truth about the elephant in the livingroom, becomes a threat to the system. That person is punished by others in the system that are not ready to face their true situation. They are still in escape behaviors, or isolation, or mute dispare, acting out behavior, role playing....anything but being genuine. If you don't like the message, kill the messenger. I was the messenger telling the truth.
I knew something was wrong with the way my family was living, but did not know what it was. The search for an answer started a life long quest. In high school, I studied psychology, abnormal psychology. Nope. None of the models fit my family. the unhappiness, a thirst un-named continued. In college, I studied Human Development and Child Development, in order to not repeat the mistakes my family made with me and my sister. I desperately wanted to be a good parent to my two daughters, saving them experiences similar to my own childhood.
Then I saw John Bradshaw on television and the truth was revealed to me. I will be a co-dependent the rest of my life, but I don't have to act like one. I see the pattern operating in other people and that is my best defense. My life is a climb out of this hole into healthy functioning.
Part of my quest to not be snared into co-dependency relationships, is a search for healthy people. People who are themselves. People who can relate to others in a cooperative manner.
They are very rare. When I find them, they are the treasures in my life. They are the models I try to immitate. Their presence in my life gives me hope.
Don't mis-read this. My search is not limited to a certain economic level, or just to my race. My search is not limited by age or gender. I find these lovely, delightful people in many different situations. I recognize them, because their light shines through. I recognize them by the words that come out of their mouth, the decisions they've made along life's path followed by good action. They are competent and as complete as life on earth will allow. Let your light shine.