The TV program, Wife Swap, was on last night. It's one of my favorite programs. The two wives seemed to represent two women who were important in my life when I was growing up. One wife was a working wife, just like my mother was.
The other wife lived a housewife's life...a throwback to the 1950's....Beaver Cleaver's mother, June Cleaver. The woman that I knew who lived like that was my mother-in-law. She stayed home to raise her children. She cooked and baked. She cleaned the house. Dinner was on the table when her husband came home. How I wished I lived in that household. Family was important to her. She was interested in her children's activities. Every school report was interesting. She made sure that there was candy in the cupboard, coloring books and crayons for when her grandchildren visited. We had cookouts in the backyard. Ordinary family activities were the foundation for healthy growing children. This family was the salt of the earth.
On the other hand, there was my mother. She had her career. She did not care about her house or about cooking for her family. She cared about making money. There is a way of assigning chores to family members that make them a contributing part of the family team. Then there is the way that my mother did it. She turned her daughters into servents. As pre-adolescents, my sister and I were responsible for cooking and cleaning. When other children were out playing, We had to clean the house and do the laundry. We were young. We did not know about cooking. We did not know about nutrition. We opened cans or peeled potatoes...anything to get something on the table. Mom ruled through terrorism. She screamed. She hit. She threatened. She didn't care.
The working wife on TV worked 18 hour shifts. That is too much. The stay at home mom filed her husband's nails for him. That is too much.
My mother-in-law, who sacrificed herself for her family , god bless her, found herself abandoned when her family left home. Children grow up and establish their own households. She was left alone. She had no skills nor interests behond a few crafts. She did not drive. She had few friends. She was left with a terrible dilemma...lonliness.
My mother had a different end. With no one cleaning her house for her, it became a pig sty. She had mice and insects, spills and odd smells in the house. There was no order to her environment. Pots, left on the stove unattended, caught on fire. She didn't seem to care. All the money she had accumulated...and it's existance was thrown in the face of her adult children...all that money just became a goal for one daughter to get it all. The money became a divisive factor that distroyed the sister's relationships.
When I had my children, I pondered how to solve the dilemma of being born female. I did not want to be as vulnerable as my mother-in-law. On the other hand, remembering my childhood, I did not want to give my own children a repeat of my experiences growing up with a distant parent.
What I did, was work part time when my children were little. I worked the same schedule as the schools. When school was out, I was home with my children. When they were in school, I was at work. I didn't make much money, but I thought I had solved the work / stay at home problem. I had a lot less money that my mother, but I had a lot more friends and social stimulation than my mother-in-law. I used my money to buy experiences for my children. They got ice skating lessons, summer camp, art lessons, music lessons. We bought good furniture and took a few vacations as a family. It was a busy life, quite a juggling act.
Still, there is no escape. One day I woke up and realized that I had worked for over 20 years and had never thought of my own retirement. I had no pension, no savings, no health insurance. Other women who had worked full time, had accumulated all those benefits. At least in middle age, with my daughters grown, I could begin a full time career. So I did. It's tough being female. It would have been a lot easier if I had a supportive husband. He was present...in front of the TV set.
The other wife lived a housewife's life...a throwback to the 1950's....Beaver Cleaver's mother, June Cleaver. The woman that I knew who lived like that was my mother-in-law. She stayed home to raise her children. She cooked and baked. She cleaned the house. Dinner was on the table when her husband came home. How I wished I lived in that household. Family was important to her. She was interested in her children's activities. Every school report was interesting. She made sure that there was candy in the cupboard, coloring books and crayons for when her grandchildren visited. We had cookouts in the backyard. Ordinary family activities were the foundation for healthy growing children. This family was the salt of the earth.
On the other hand, there was my mother. She had her career. She did not care about her house or about cooking for her family. She cared about making money. There is a way of assigning chores to family members that make them a contributing part of the family team. Then there is the way that my mother did it. She turned her daughters into servents. As pre-adolescents, my sister and I were responsible for cooking and cleaning. When other children were out playing, We had to clean the house and do the laundry. We were young. We did not know about cooking. We did not know about nutrition. We opened cans or peeled potatoes...anything to get something on the table. Mom ruled through terrorism. She screamed. She hit. She threatened. She didn't care.
The working wife on TV worked 18 hour shifts. That is too much. The stay at home mom filed her husband's nails for him. That is too much.
My mother-in-law, who sacrificed herself for her family , god bless her, found herself abandoned when her family left home. Children grow up and establish their own households. She was left alone. She had no skills nor interests behond a few crafts. She did not drive. She had few friends. She was left with a terrible dilemma...lonliness.
My mother had a different end. With no one cleaning her house for her, it became a pig sty. She had mice and insects, spills and odd smells in the house. There was no order to her environment. Pots, left on the stove unattended, caught on fire. She didn't seem to care. All the money she had accumulated...and it's existance was thrown in the face of her adult children...all that money just became a goal for one daughter to get it all. The money became a divisive factor that distroyed the sister's relationships.
When I had my children, I pondered how to solve the dilemma of being born female. I did not want to be as vulnerable as my mother-in-law. On the other hand, remembering my childhood, I did not want to give my own children a repeat of my experiences growing up with a distant parent.
What I did, was work part time when my children were little. I worked the same schedule as the schools. When school was out, I was home with my children. When they were in school, I was at work. I didn't make much money, but I thought I had solved the work / stay at home problem. I had a lot less money that my mother, but I had a lot more friends and social stimulation than my mother-in-law. I used my money to buy experiences for my children. They got ice skating lessons, summer camp, art lessons, music lessons. We bought good furniture and took a few vacations as a family. It was a busy life, quite a juggling act.
Still, there is no escape. One day I woke up and realized that I had worked for over 20 years and had never thought of my own retirement. I had no pension, no savings, no health insurance. Other women who had worked full time, had accumulated all those benefits. At least in middle age, with my daughters grown, I could begin a full time career. So I did. It's tough being female. It would have been a lot easier if I had a supportive husband. He was present...in front of the TV set.
posted by gardenbug at Tuesday, June 06, 2006
2 Comments:
I always felt that balance was the way to happy life. Unfortunately, that seems to be a difficult thing for most people to achieve, and the corporate world doesn't do a lot to help. What happened to the 8 hour work day? It seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird.
All you can do, is, do your best. No matter where you set the perameters, you will be criticized for what you did not do. Can't win this one. The job is too big to do it all.
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